You haven't seen your mom in person since summer. On the phone, she sounds like herself, upbeat and chatty. Then you walk into her kitchen for Thanksgiving, and something feels off. She asks when you got in, then asks again twenty minutes later. The pie she has made every year for decades comes out missing an ingredient. There's a stack of unopened mail on the counter.
You tell yourself she's just tired. Holidays are a lot. But the feeling follows you home.
If that sounds familiar, you're not overreacting. The holidays are often the first time families notice memory changes in a parent, and it's worth knowing what to look for and what to do next.
Why the Holidays Reveal What Phone Calls Don't
A ten-minute phone call is easy to get through. Familiar topics, a few well-worn phrases, and a parent can sound completely fine. People are also good at covering for small lapses, often without realizing it.
A holiday visit is different. You're together for hours or days. You see your parent cook, host, manage their home, and keep track of a busy conversation. Those are exactly the kinds of tasks where early changes in memory and thinking tend to show up first.
What to Notice During Your Visit
No single moment means something is wrong. What matters is a pattern, especially one that's new or different from how your parent used to be.
Repeating questions or stories within the same visit. Not the same old family story told every year, but asking the same question an hour after you answered it.
Trouble with familiar, multistep tasks. Struggling to follow a recipe they've made for years, losing track of what's in the oven, or getting overwhelmed by hosting duties they used to handle easily.
Clues around the house. Unpaid bills or piles of unopened mail, expired food in the fridge, scorched pans, missed medications, or a home that's noticeably less tidy than usual.
Getting lost or turned around. Confusion driving to a familiar store, or difficulty finding their way in a place they know well.
Pulling back from conversation. Going quiet in a busy room, losing the thread when several people are talking, or relying more on vague answers like "oh, you know."
Changes in mood or personality. New irritability, anxiety, suspicion, poor judgment with money, or loss of interest in things they used to enjoy.
Changes in self-care. Wearing the same clothes repeatedly, losing weight, or paying less attention to grooming than you'd expect.
What Is Probably Normal
Some changes are a normal part of getting older. Taking a little longer to come up with a name, occasionally misplacing glasses, or walking into a room and forgetting why you went in are common at every age. The key difference is whether daily life is still running smoothly. If you'd like a fuller comparison, my post When Should You Worry About Memory? What's Normal Aging and What's Not walks through it in detail.
It's also worth remembering that the holidays are hard on everyone. Travel, poor sleep, a houseful of guests, extra alcohol, a recent illness, or grief over someone missing from the table can all make a parent seem more scattered than usual. And many causes of memory problems are treatable, including medication side effects, sleep problems, thyroid or vitamin issues, and depression. (I explain that last one in Dementia vs. Depression in Older Adults.) That's one of the most important reasons not to simply wait and see.
What to Do With What You Noticed
Write it down. Jot down specific examples and when they happened while they're fresh. "Asked three times what time dinner was" is far more useful to a doctor than "Mom seemed forgetful."
Compare notes quietly. Check in with siblings, a spouse, or a neighbor who sees your parent regularly. Do they see the same things? Is this new?
Skip the confrontation at the dinner table. Pointing out a mistake in front of the whole family usually leads to embarrassment and defensiveness. A calm, private conversation later goes much better. My post How to Talk to a Parent About Getting a Memory Evaluation has practical ways to start that conversation.
Start with a checkup. Encourage your parent to see their primary care provider, who can look for medical causes and may do a brief memory screening.
Know when a screening isn't enough. A short screening can tell you that something might be off, but it can't tell you what's causing it or how much it affects daily life. A neuropsychological evaluation looks closely at memory, attention, language, problem-solving, and other thinking skills to clarify what's going on and what will help. I go deeper on this in When a Memory Screening Isn't Enough.
How Clary Clinic Can Help
At Clary Clinic, memory and dementia evaluations are a core part of what we do. Here's what families can expect:
No referral needed. You or your parent can call us directly.
About 30 days to get started. You don't have to spend months wondering.
Family input is welcome. The observations you gathered over the holidays are valuable, and with your parent's permission, they become part of the picture.
Clear answers and next steps. We'll walk through the results together in plain language, with recommendations your family can use.
We serve families in St. Cloud, Sartell, Sauk Rapids, Waite Park, and throughout central Minnesota, including adult children who live farther away and are coordinating care for a parent here.
If something you noticed this holiday season is still on your mind, you don't have to sort it out alone. Call or text us at 320-247-4068 or email admin@claryclinic.com to talk through whether a memory evaluation makes sense for your parent.
